She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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