Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
