I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize