my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
