I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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