It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
