My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
