I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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