dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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