just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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