Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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