and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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