4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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