I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
