is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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