worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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