the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
