i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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