he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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