I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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