if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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