i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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