I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
