this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
