if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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