Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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