So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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