I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
