The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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