Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize