You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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