My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I will be naked everywhere
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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