I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
