if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
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