he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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