I could make wine with my vomit
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You ate ashes out of my bong
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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