I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize