He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
