Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
