I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
