Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
