...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
