I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
