I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
