i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
