I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The beer is more important than you right now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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