Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
