I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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