You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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