There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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