I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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