Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
