That's intense
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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