Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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