and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize